Is This How It Feels?

 Hello People Of The Internet.

I'm not sure how this post will be perceived by the readers.

Earlier 2023, I had a friend from kilang, confessed that he liked me. I, am, shocked! I knew it must not due to my look, I've long accepted the fact. What causes him to be attracted to me?

I did not get the answer straight away. I told the guy, "wow, thank you. Physically aku single, emotionally I do have someone in mind that I am interested with". 

Mind you, we barely talk, we barely see each other. So it maintains that way. As it supposed to be.

Natrah being Natrah, she avoided this guy at all cost. Just chicken out as she usually is. 

But since he is one of the brazers, I just happen to talk to him once or twice, for work related. I see potential in him, and sent him for the Level-Up Program, hence the reason why we are talking. But that's that.

Later that year, we started to talk. Simply because another friend, is inviting him to tag us along. Ok cool.

During that evening, we talked. Three of us. I started to feel attracted to him through his questions to me. "Apa yang kau nak dalam hidup?". Something along that line. I don't remember the exact questions.

From there, it became a monthly activity to go dinner together, the three of us.

As months passed, it became the two of us, dinner, and talking.

I told him from the very beginning, that I only see him as a friend. A guy friend. Mind you that I  have never had a guy friend, whom I am comfortable with. Which I shouldn't. 

After months of actually being friends, I started to exposed my actual self. The confused 27 years old Natrah. That is stressed with her work. That do not know what her future self wants. That is still confused with life. That cynical Natrah. 

At the back of my mind. I know this is not good to exposed my self, to a friend from work. A guy some more. But he just gave me the "Safe Space" I didn't know a guy could give.

I asked him on our no purpose late-night-drive, after all the flaws I've shared with him, "Aku rasa mesti kau menyesal sebab pernah minat aku kan?". 

I felt this way, and that is the main reason I felt comfortable with him. Because the idea of someone liking me, is a rare experience to me.

He did not respond immediately, but when he does, he said, "Kau nak tahu jawapan sebenar?". I nodded. "Sheeesh, aku still minat dekat kau Natrah".

Hypothesis: A guy and a girl cannot be a good friend, unless one of them fell for another, at least have an interest, then they can become a friend.

Everyone in kilang (ok I'm over reacting), knows that we go out together. One person saw us, then that person told another person. And it become the talk of the town.

In all honesty, I did not like this. But I don't have the energy to shut people's mouth. But I know, if I did not let this happen, you know, if I actually did not go out with this guy. This will never happen. I have my share to blame.

Last week, this guy asked me the question, that I still have no answer to, "Kau rasa antara kita ni, possible tak untuk pergi next step?". That is when I know, this has gone way too far than what I'm intended to, than it should be.

Told him that I do not have any answer to that.

I know deep in my heart. I know I still didn't see him as the potential partner. As my first intention was just to be friend. And it remains that way.

I guess the reason why I still take the risk of being friends with this guy, would be because the "someone in mind that I'm interested with", did take the same action a normal Natrah would do, which was to chicken out.

So I decided to try another path, which just brush it off and go with being friends only. Somehow, it did gave this guy hope, it seems.

I should give him the answer, but it might break his heart. 

I guess chicken out is the best decision if you do not like that person, or do not want to have a serious relationship with.

If this is how relationship goes. Then, thank you young Natrah for not going though one, because I felt bad at hurting his feeling.

27 years old Natrah is still not compatible to be in a relationship.

To answer the question: he started to aware of my existence after I "boldly" counter his question during my first Brazing Competition. And, "rupa ni subjective Natrah, kau mungkin rasa biasa, orang lain rasa cantik".

But I will look like a coward if I just chicken out and not giving any explanation. 

Hypothesis is accepted.

:/